Out of sheer boredom, I’ve decided to elaborate on my answers to the “Four Things” meme that’s been making the rounds. So are my answers for the four jobs I’ve had in my life.

Sandwich Artist

This was my first job. I was one of the fastest tomato-slicers in Subway history. And that’s pretty much where my skills end. I was one of the slowest employees in Subway history. Morning shifts were awesome. Cut stuff up and then eat soup. Between seven and ten, I averaged two customers an hour.

My failure in the food industry quickly became apparent to my manager. Word around the office was that I wasn’t cutting it. So I did the “You can’t fire me, I’m quitting!” thing, just in a less dramatic fashion by filling out the required two-weeks’ notice.

Don‚Äôt be alarmed. I‚Äôm not incompetent. Apparently it’s one of Washington’s top five in sales. It was a busy Subway. I‚Äôm fairly certain I was faster than most of the workers at the U-Dub Hub Sub(rub, cub, nub, tub)way.

Carryout Return Personnel

Baggers work for tips only. If enough friends were working the same hours, bagging at the commissary felt a lot like hanging out. When no friends were working the same hours, bagging at the commissary felt a lot like hanging out with my mom and her coworkers. Of course, I was probably at work twelve hours a week and actually working about eight.

Analyst

Oh yah, I’ve only had two jobs.

Therapist

I need a job.

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